Alex isnt more than a fb friend now a days. He and i parted ways.. Im sure it was my choice. I remember him not understanding why.. but i cant remember details. I know that I dont have ill feelings toward him. Thats how I remember people. How they make me feel. So.. I did some dating after that.. and then I was compelled to stay in and isolate. For two years I had only online relations through a website for the mentally ill. I had romantic relationships with like 10 men there. I learned a lot about myself.
I dont get suicidal anymore.. but I get kind of.. tired for life. I lack ambition. I feel I am now on an enlightened path. To put it bluntly.. which i usually refrain to do... because people just think its pretentious. Anyway.. Eckhart Tolle seems to be speaking my language these days. I should write in depth about the process. B ut I probably cant even remember it accurately so I would get a very biased story.
Im currently single having come off a 5 month relationship with a sociopath who lied to me and pretended to be in a relationship with me. It did hurt me.. but luckily I also had already started my journey to feeling better... and I handled it better than any break up in my life to this date... so far. LOL. Anyway. what the fuck ever... none of this matters.
My mood: a bit disappointed
Alex is still around..but I don't care about that.
I don't want to live. That is my main concern at this moment. I am in the depths of my depression and sinking deeper still. It scares me. Ive done this so many time that i AM keen to how it works. I know this spot and where I go from here. Still I think it is unfair.
I can't end my life. and I can't live normally. Where does it leave me? Dissappointing people in my life.....
failing to live up the the expectations. I don't know what to do. I am sick.
I am a burden. People have to be sick of seeing me this way. I am sick of being this way.
GOd I am such a needy whore. I think it was easier being single
Alright so..I got my period. This means that the moody crazy part of the month is over. I suffer PMDD and it really fucks with me. ANyway..I almost always have some sort of dramatic conflic right before I have my period because of my hormones and I am crazy..lol so anyway..
I have to say I am somewhat impressed that Alex stuck with me thru that part. I was having anxiety attacks just talking to him for gods sake.
He is inspiring to me. He is incredibly sexy. I like watching him and I hang on his words because I never know what will come out. How fucking perfect is that??
I dont want to waste time thinking about that pessimistic stuff so I am just going to enjoy this....and all my interactions with him. He is fun. He gives me space when I need it and doesn't stay away so long that I forget him.
He is smart and has good morals and is not afraid to go for things that take a lot of work. I need this kind of energy in my life.
I offered him to meet my kids this weekend. Its way too soon and I dont know exactly why ..but I think I just wanted him to want to. But it really is too soon. ANyway..he didnt take me up on it and I am feeling ok with that. I am happy that I am feeling ok about that.
Alls well. :)
SO yeah....He lays in my bed askig if he is "too nice" I mumble something incoherrently and he wants me to explain it. I have forgotten what I meant to say by this time. I ignore him and move on....
I feel myself distancing. I think he does too...but thats ok because...
So...I noticed something disturbing. When I last dropped Alex off to his home I suffered and anxiety attack and dropped him off instead of my initial plan of going out to dinner with him. Which I really wanted to do.
Anxiety has not held me back in a long time. The more normal my life becomes the more my symptoms creep in. When I didn't expect much of myself none of this mattered. I wont let it stop me. I will continue to ease back into society. I can be a productive member again. I know it.
The purpose of this daily blog entry is for me to learn about how my relationships fail. What is the dynamic that is true with all of them. That will be the link that tells me what my fault is.
Last night when I talked to Alex on the computer and then the phone I became anxious again. My face was puffy and red and warm. My body became itchy. I noticed it in my reflection in the window that I have to press my face against to get service on my cell phone. I also felt myself pulling back severely when he mentioned his dislike of commitement and not want for us living together. I don't want to live together either, so I am not sure what this is about. Its not my wise mind acting. Its my emotional mind. So I rein myself in and try to talk myself into some logic. But I am also so scared of being hurt that I feel myself pulling back. Wanting not to like this man.
I suppose this is like what usually happens, it just took longer this time.
This morning while I blog this I have an IM conversation with Alex that doesnt seem to go well. Where he had no plans all week yesterday..he now has only tonight to hang out until next week.
I am supposed to ask if he can spend the night. I suppose that no one will really care. I don't like being pressured into things. It makes me feel bad, used, controlled.
I tend to rebel hard against any type of control tactics.
This is either control or he is backing away too.
I don't know which.
As A person with a personality disorder I have found it difficult to sustain good relations with people in my life. I am usually disappointing someone or being disappointed myself. Neither is done with intent. Years go by and I learn from my life. I make mistakes and try to make the best of them. I have become wise beyond my years having dealt with a concentration of trauma and drama. I spent many years living self destructively.
I can't breathe right now....well I can..it just feels like i can't. I have been slipping into this "episode" for some time. Slowly...and surely. I could feel it...and I tried to stop it...Now...I am in it.
I am in it and stuck and I can't reach out for help to the people that are right in the next room. Which scares me. How far will I let it go?
I dont want to live this way anymore.
It all comes back to this everytime.
I dont feel comfortable right now. People are annoying the piss out of me. There are people in my house...my family...I just want them to go away. But even so...I know they are all I have. I just want to be alone so that I dont have to live up to any expectations right now. My OCD has kicked in. I cant stand being here.
I want to drive far away. I want to sleep a very long time. I want to escape.......
I want this feeling to go away and I want its effects not to haunt me.
My mistakes are many. My memory sucks and fails me daily. My frustration is overwhelming. I may not make it through this day if I subject myself to others I will surely implode or explode.
I have to isolate for that reason. I have responsibilities until 6pm. Four more hours and I am freeer than I am right now. I can't deal.
My mood: very annoyed
Previous PostsWell, is been awhile, posted November 18th, 2012
MSCL DAy- whatever, posted March 23rd, 2010
MSCL #5, posted March 7th, 2010
MSCL Day #4, posted March 4th, 2010
MSCL- #3, posted March 4th, 2010
MSCL Day2, posted March 2nd, 2010
My so called life. ( totally ripped off from a show I used to watch years ago), posted March 1st, 2010
right now, posted July 29th, 2008
frustration, posted July 22nd, 2008
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