analyticalmisery's Blog

Alex isnt more than a fb friend now a days.  He and i parted ways.. Im sure it was my choice.  I remember him not understanding why.. but i cant remember details.  I know that I dont have ill feelings toward him.  Thats how I remember people.  How they make me feel.  So.. I did some dating after that.. and then I was compelled to stay in and isolate.  For two years I had only online relations through a website for the mentally ill.  I had romantic relationships with like 10 men there.  I learned a lot about myself.  

I dont get suicidal anymore.. but I get kind of.. tired for life.  I lack ambition.  I feel I am now on an enlightened path.  To put it bluntly.. which i usually refrain to do... because people just think its pretentious.  Anyway.. Eckhart Tolle seems to be speaking my language these days.  I should write in depth about the process.  B ut I probably cant even remember it accurately so I would get a very biased story.  

Im currently single having come off a 5 month relationship with a sociopath who lied to me and pretended to be in a relationship with me.  It did hurt me.. but luckily I also had already started my journey to feeling better... and I handled it better than any break up in my life to this date... so far. LOL.  Anyway. what the fuck ever... none of this matters.



Finally

Alex is still around..but I don't care about that.

 

I don't want to live.  That is my main concern at this moment.  I am in the depths of my depression and sinking deeper still.  It scares me.  Ive done this so many time that i AM keen to how it works.  I know this spot and where I go from here.   Still I think it is unfair. 

 

I can't end my life.  and I can't live normally.  Where does it leave me?  Dissappointing people in my life.....

failing to live up the the expectations.  I don't know what to do.  I am sick.

 

I am a burden. People have to be sick of seeing me this way.  I am sick of being this way.

GOd I am such a needy whore.  I think it was easier being single
.  It will be easier when I live alone.  This sucks..Im not in the mood....

Alright so..I got my period.  This means that the moody crazy part of the month is over.  I suffer PMDD and it really fucks with me.  ANyway..I almost always have some sort of dramatic conflic right before I have my period because of my hormones and I am crazy..lol so anyway..

I have to say I am somewhat impressed that Alex stuck with me thru that part.  I was having anxiety attacks just talking to him for gods sake. 

 

He is inspiring to me.  He is incredibly sexy.  I like watching him and I hang on his words because I never know what will come out.  How fucking perfect is that??

 

Yeah...too .

 

I dont want to waste time thinking about that pessimistic stuff so I am just going to enjoy this....and all my interactions with him.  He is fun.  He gives me space when I need it and doesn't stay away so long that I forget him. 

He is smart and has good morals and is not afraid to go for things that take a lot of work.  I need this kind of energy in my life. 

 

I offered him to meet my kids this weekend.  Its way too soon and I dont know exactly why ..but I think I just wanted him to want to.  But it really is too soon.  ANyway..he didnt take me up on it and I am feeling ok with that.  I am happy that I am feeling ok about that.

 

Alls well. :)

SO yeah....He lays in my bed askig if he is "too nice"  I mumble something incoherrently and he wants me to explain it.  I have forgotten what I meant to say by this time.  I ignore  him and move on....

My blog isn't something I am feeling at this moment..but in case i ddint feel it at all today I wanted to get something down on here for the day. 

I feel myself distancing.  I think he does too...but thats ok because...

So...I noticed something disturbing.  When I last dropped Alex off to his home I suffered and anxiety attack and dropped him off instead of my initial plan of going out to dinner with him.  Which I really wanted to do.

 

Anxiety has not held me back in a long time.  The more normal my life becomes the more my symptoms creep in.  When I didn't expect much of myself none of this mattered.  I wont let it stop me.  I will continue to ease back into society.  I can be a productive member again.  I know it.

The purpose of this daily blog entry is for me to learn about how my relationships fail.  What is the dynamic that is true with all of them.  That will be the link that tells me what my fault is. 

 

Last night when I talked to Alex on the computer and then the phone I became anxious again.  My face was puffy and red and warm.  My body became itchy.  I noticed it in my reflection in the window that I have to press my face against to get service on my cell phone.  I also felt myself pulling back severely when he mentioned his dislike of commitement and not want for us living together.  I don't want to live together either, so I am not sure what this is about.  Its not my wise mind acting.  Its my emotional mind.  So I rein myself in and try to talk myself into some logic.  But I am also so scared of being hurt that I feel myself pulling back.  Wanting not to like this man. 

I suppose this is like what usually happens, it just took longer this time. 

 

This morning while I blog this I have an IM conversation with Alex that doesnt seem to go well.  Where he had no plans all week yesterday..he now has only tonight to hang out until next week. 

I am supposed to ask if he can spend the night.  I suppose that no one will really care.  I don't like being pressured into things.  It makes me feel bad, used, controlled.

I tend to rebel hard against any type of control tactics. 

This is either control or he is backing away too.

I don't know which.

 

As A person  with a personality disorder I have found it difficult to sustain good relations with people in my life.  I am usually disappointing someone or being disappointed myself.  Neither is done with intent.  Years go by and I learn from my life.  I make mistakes and try to make the best of them.  I have become wise beyond my years having dealt with a concentration of trauma and drama.  I spent many years living self destructively. 



Loving myself has always been a problem for me.  One that has become my main focus lately.  Enter Alex.


I meet Alex online on a day that I happen to be "shopping" for a concert date on a free dating site where my profile usually sits untouched.  Alex engages me in what I feel is a bunch of b.s. lines and I call him on it.  My mood is not great and I don't feel I have time for him as I mindlessly answer his questions and pose them back to him.  At the same time he is welcome in my world where I use many small interactions with various men to fulfill my need to not feel empty. 



The empty is persistent and unrelenting.  It drives most of what I do...or should I explain that It intermittently robs me of my will to live. 

When Alex and I move to the point of wanting to meet each other in person; I suddenly have the will to live.  The want to get out of bed and the means to do it all.  Nothing can stand in my way.  Not my illegal vehicle, not my lack of cash.  I am driven by the need to fill my empty.  The possibility that this might be a longer fix.



I am not immediately forthcoming with details about my mental health when it comes to Alex.  I feel the need to protect myself some.  I feel that I cannot let another person use my diagnoses against me and so I tell him of a career that only exists in my mind.  I proceed assuming this man Alex will be like too many others,  I presume him to be a short term fixation in my life. 


As I get to know Alex more and more, within in a very short weekend, I feel it necessary to tell him of my lies and share a bit of my life.  This means I have more hope for this relationship than I wanted to have.



The only reason to withold hope is to minimize the potential hurt that comes along with unfulfilled dreams. 

At some point I am convinced that I must go all in.  But not the way I usually do.  I cannot let myself make this man feel like he is my world.  I cannot let this man feel pressured by me.  I cannot put my stress onto this man.  I cannot make him feel like he must save me.  I cannot become a burden that he has to endure.



I tread lightly through a path I am unfamiliar with.  The way I resist to profess my feelings for him is not all successful but maybe just enough.  I feel his like for me and I trust it.  I want more of It and I never want it to stop.  I want a future with it.  I know though that this is premature.  My wisemind keeps me grounded and from blurting out anything quite so "crazy" about our future together.


I let him lead in our intimate encounters and he is a gentleman.  I feel he is is genuine.  I think he has good intentions.  I have felt all of that before though.  I have felt that and still ended with a broken heart that was too painful.  Never quite like this though.  Never with this much experience and this much fact to back it up.  His actions match his words.  Its just what I needed.

 

 

I can't breathe right now....well I can..it just feels like i can't.  I have been slipping into this "episode" for some time.  Slowly...and surely.  I could feel it...and I tried to stop it...Now...I am in it.

I am in it and stuck and I can't reach out for help to the people that are right in the next room.  Which scares me.  How far will I let it go?

I dont want to live this way anymore. 

It all comes back to this everytime.

I dont feel comfortable right now.  People are annoying the piss out of me.  There are people in my house...my family...I just want them to go away.  But even so...I know they are all I have.  I just want to be alone so that I dont have to live up to any expectations right now.  My OCD has kicked in.  I cant stand being here. 

I want to drive far away.  I want to sleep a very long time.  I want to escape.......

I want this feeling to go away and I want its effects not to haunt me.

My mistakes are many.  My memory sucks and fails me daily.  My frustration is overwhelming.  I may not make it through this day if I subject myself to others I will surely implode or explode.

I have to isolate for that reason.  I have responsibilities until 6pm.  Four more hours and I am freeer than I am right now.  I can't deal.